


Call me Lady Tiger but I Never Eat my Young

by icemoon4



Category: Garfield - All Media Types, Homestuck
Genre: Fanon, M/M, extremely lame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-08
Updated: 2013-05-08
Packaged: 2017-12-10 20:17:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/789734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icemoon4/pseuds/icemoon4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fat butt did a bad ripple</p>
            </blockquote>





	Call me Lady Tiger but I Never Eat my Young

The fat butt did a bad ripple.

Then Gamzee juggalo'd through the atmosphere like a diamond in the sky he shone bright. But then, Karkat showed up and it was bright like a thousand suns. "Go suck a fuck," said Karkat for legitimately no reason at all because this is the fandom Karkat and he is merely a two-dimensional vehicle for vulgarity.

And Gamzee rode that vehicle through all of the universe even though that can't really happen because he is three dimensional and space is four dimensional and Karkat is two dimensional so its like a clusterfuck of sexy dimensional intercourse.

Lovecraft would have been proud of their multi-dimensional cosmic display of depravity but unfortunately he's dead and also a racist I bet he would have supported the blood caste system wholeheartedly.

This is a story not some racially opiniated essay so please stop I am trying to do a thing please thanks ps this is one sentence then they landed at the Domino's on the moon and got a lunar dog dough pizza burger dog pizza.

No they didn't, Karkat lauded a racially opinionated essay rife with overtones of self-hatred and overemotional fallacies. He asked Gamzee to proofread it, but he was too stoned to understand. He required munchies and then Pizza Hut.

So Gamzee left for Pizza Hut and Karkat yelled fuckass forty-seven times in a row because he was still trapped in the two dimensional land of fanon and racially opinionated essays from which he could never escape, so Gamzee brought him a pizza.

Gamzee literally tore through the fabric of reality to 2D-fanon land just to bring a reduced clone of his friend a pizza. What palemates.

But he got pepperoni pizza and pepperoni triggers Karkat because they are red sort of like his blood but a little darker like Aradia's but it is still red so he told Gamzee he was just not cool. Insert a few fucks into that statement.

Gamzee would have been taken aback if he were sober and also not Gamzee, but fortunately he was neither of these things. Too high off his balls to think straight, the best argument he could come up with against Karkat's verbal assault was patting his head vacantly and saying over and over "Nah, man" except the "man" was actually "motherfucker" and the "nah" was prefaced with "motherfucking", so his reassurances, however well-intentioned, came out as "motherfucking nah, motherfucker". 2D fanon space does things to a man, and like a Vietnam vet gets reduced to an angry husk of a man, Gamzee was slowly changing into a stoned echo of solidified 'motherfucker'. He only had so much time until before the tranformation was complete.

They had to escape this two-dimensional bubble of horror, however with Gamzee being a mess of motherfucks and Karkat being a ball of spastic rage, motivation for escape was at a minimum, and an outside force would need to interact with this bubble to cause a chemical reaction strong enough to dissolve an entire dimension. What could possibly account for such an impact?

The impact of Megadeath.

Ah yes, Megadeath, the secret evolution of charmander and destroyer of free real estate. Unfortunately, Megadeath does not exist in this universe because he is a fucking fuckass dumb fucking idea you fucker oh fuck no the fuckass fanon fucker Karkat fuck is fucking escaping fuck fuck fuckery fucker.

Karkat's unconscious rage towards an equally unconscious suggestion is so powerful that it punches through the fourth wall and the narrator briefly becomes possessed by apopleptic hate. "Whoa lil motherfucka, whats gettin you so motherfuckin unwound?" Gamzee asks.

"I'm not fucking telling you fucking shit you fucking fuckass you got fucking pepperoni gog fucking dammit you fucking fuck fuck clown fuck fucker fucking fuck," Karkat screams in reply. There is just no arguing with that fucking logic, Gamzee. You may as well figure out how to get out of this perplexing mysterious bubble of what the fuck ever.

Little did they know, this anamalous space of reality was not for them and them alone. The "mysterious bubble of what-the-fuck-ever" was a multidimensional pocket universe, existing between the line of fantasy and reality. But like all bubbles, it did not float in a vacuum, but rather, in the literal void between the twin universes. Often, it would go millenia without touching either side of its greater parent universes - but occasionally it would intersect, trapping whomever was within its walls as it inevitably drifted back to the nothing from which it came. Its orbit was elliptical, and due to the vastness of it - once it had intersected with a life-bearing area, it would take centuries of swallowing up populace through weaknesses in the walls of the parent universe - wormholes before moving on. And the trolls' planet was not the only life-bearing planet this travelling bubble of extra dimension intersected with.

It also intersected with the planet, Nippledomania, and only one guy lives there because no one wants to live on a planet that starts with 'nipple'. This man's name was Garfield, and he was no man, but a cat. This planet was made entirely of lasagna. At least it did in the 'mysterious bubble of what-the-fuck-ever". Garfield was unaffected by the bubble's hellish powers because Garfield remains to be the only fictional character in existence whose personality is 100% accurate as interpreted by the fandom. This rare occurence has only happened because Garfield has no fandom; the only fan is the writer himself. Hopefully, this lame excuse for a comic strip character can aid these moirails on their quest to become free.

His personality may be accurate, but the plot interpretation sure wasn't. Due to the comic's only positive attention deriving from a fanwork called "Garfield minus Garfield", he was non-existent, but still technically there. The two friends would appear to be schizophrenic, but they may still be able to communicate. However they would have to break the walls of Garfield's thought bubbles to know what he is saying.

Hopefully fanon Gamzee still has access to his chucklevoodoos. "motherfuckin up and hey motherfucker," said the fanon Gamzee, "I motherfuckin know just the thing."

He then described a plan that involved some lime pudding and no one really knew what the fuck he was saying because slowly every word translated into some mess of motherfuck, pie, honk, and faygo so they ditched that idea and inviso-Garfield got some lasagna. So after the lasagna break, Gamzee was passed out and Karkat no longer had the willpower to stop shouting obscenities into the heavens. So Garfield devised his own plan because he did not want to deal with any of this shit.

Since Garfield was sort of like this ghost type thing, he had to use a ouija board to communicate. But since literally no one gives a fuck about Garfield outside of the author, Garfield was doomed to walk alone. Garfield knew he had to work quickly if he wanted to ever go home.

Garfield the Ghost contacted an evil spirit by the name of Bob. He was just an average evil Bob and had absolutely no connection to any other ghostly Bob that may or may not exist. Garfield greeted the Bob and told him to try and snap the two lovers out of their trance because he thought cool ghost Bobs could do that. And they could, however Bob responded with

"Yo white ass can't handle no trancevoodoos of mine."

The trash talk from the Bob was just the thing to wake up Gamzee, briefly setting him free from the fanon bubble's powers. He had to act fast.

"Yo Karkat," he says "We got in some mighty mystical shit right here but I think I gotta plan brotha gonna- " Gamzee was cut off by a long list of expletives. He had no time for this tomfoolery and went straight for the gay.

He pulls out his sylladex and dicks around with whatever crazy shenanigans makes that shit work and out comes a portable DVD player and a copy of XXX Triple Gay Extreme. He pops that bitch in there and the gay commences.

The fandumb pocket universe couldn't handle suck extreme fetishized and appropriated homosexuality. The ground began to ooze. Distant bodies of marinara sauce turned black, and the lasagna earth trembled beneath the DVD player.

The walls of this bubble's reality began to crack. But they still needed more fetishized gay. Evil Bob grabbed Garfield the Ghost and they sucked face even though neither of them have lips. Tumblr users began to emerge from the cracks in the marinated ground. Their angry cries of protest slowly grew louder until the only sounds that could be heard was their constant distasteful roar. "Gays are not objects!" "Stop oversexualization!" "Lives are being ruined!" The remarks grew louder until the entire planet was filled with rights activists.

The shrieking mob of harpies began dismantling the lasagna landscape, tearing cheeses from the ground and smashing their faces into the sauce. It was like witnessing Woodstock all over again.

The bubble had broken but Karkat and Gamzee were making out anyway. The tumblr users melted slowly back into the ground and Bob left because he was late for work. Garfield came back into existence and went to go get some more lasagna. Karkat and Gamzee didn't have a way to leave Nippledomania but that's okay because now that its only them and a cat, their homosexuality can be fetishized as much as possible.

God bless the USA.

Fin


End file.
